Sobering Up
by wellthizizdeprezzing
Summary: Sort of a sequel to Unexpected Heights. Regina inadvertently gets pulled into another nefarious scheme against her, and Emma once more is stuck dealing with her shenanigans. Somewhat swanqueen but only if you're drunk enough. Drunk!Regina
1. Chapter 1

**Sobering Up**

 **Chapter One: Drunk**

 _Sort of a sequel to Unexpected Heights. Regina inadvertently gets pulled into another nefarious scheme against her, and Emma once more is stuck dealing with her shenanigans. Somewhat swanqueen but only if you're drunk enough._

 **A/N: Overall, got a lot of votes for Regina on here and on AO3 when I asked who should be the drunk one, so here it is. Drunk!Regina.**

The ringing of Emma's cell at two in the morning woke her up rudely. She sat up in bed, groggily reaching for her phone and unlocking it. "Sheriff Swan," she yawned.

"Sheriff, we have a situation," deputy Hua announced.

"What is it? Flying demons? A woman who slaughters puppies for fur coats?" Emma asked drowsily.

"No-"

"Then what? The lord of hell himself come to seek revenge on us?"

"Emma-"

"Or is it the flying monkeys?" At this she growled. "Did I ever tell you how much I hate those damn things?"

"Yes, we all know," Hua sighed out with the patience of one hearing such a fact over and over again had.

"Then what is it? Whose hurt? Who needs rescuing?"

"It's Regina."

Emma was instantly fully awake at this. "What happened?" She was already scrambling out of bed, shoving one leg into her denim pants, cradling the phone between her ear and shoulder.

"Nothing too bad. We just found her wandering around town drunk."

"Regina? Drunk?" Emma frowned as she buttoned up her jeans with one hand. It sure would be useful if she had something like magic to help her with this. Shame she didn't know how to clothe herself with spells. "Regina doesn't do drunk. Are you sure it's her and not some flying monkey trying to impersonate her?" That was a very real fear to Emma.

"Emma, the flying monkey's are long gone, I assure you."

"You never know. They could be hiding under the guise of being human. The stranger walking across the street could be one. The mail man could be one. Even the neighbor." Emma's eyes widened with sudden realization and horror. "You could be one."

Hua was silent on the other end of the phone. "Emma," she began slowly, and with concern, "are you okay? Do you have some PTSD related to flying monkey's? Do you need to speak to Archie about this?"

"I know your game, flying monkey," Emma hissed into the phone. "You can't convince me. I know the truth and I will expose you."

"Sure," Hua said tiredly. "Just come pick up Regina from the station. She's locked up right now for her own safety and she needs to be taken home." And then Mulan hung up.

Emma pocketed her phone and tugged on a shirt before rushing out to get her Bug. On her way to pick up Regina her heart began to pound more. It had been a week ever since she and Regina had kissed. Emma replayed the kiss every day and in her dreams. She had wanted to talk to Regina about it, and about what it meant, but the woman was mysteriously busy each time Emma struck up the nerve to come up to her. She supposed now would be a good as ever time to see if she could get some honesty out of Regina.

But when she got to the station she saw that Regina was clearly in no state for conversation. She was stumbling from one end of the cell to the other, looking drunk, confused, and annoyed. "Where did you find her drunk?" Emma asked Mulan who was sitting behind a desk, filling out some late night paperwork.

"We found her streaking across town," Mulan answered casually.

Man, Emma sure missed out. She would give her last dollar to see Regina's body.

"Do you have any idea what she drank to get like this? Regina, this is out of character for her," Emma explained as she stepped closer to the bars of Regina's cell. The woman was now swaying in rhythm to some song only she could hear.

Mulan shrugged. "I don't know. She just randomly appeared in the middle of town, streaking and screaming how she was going to burn down the whole town."

Emma contemplated this. This really was odd behavior from the usually uptight woman. "Thanks, Mulan. I'll take her back home and make sure she sobers up." There would be time to ask questions about why Regina behaved this way later, when she was coherent.

"Hey, Regina, come on let's you home," Emma said gently to the woman as she opened her cell.

Regina continued to dance to herself. "Regina," Emma goaded, "home. Bed. Rest." Thankfully (?) the mayor was now clothed, though she was wearing some baggy clothes that no doubt had been the ones Emma left over at the station and used when she worked out.

Regina finally noticed Emma in the cell, stopping in her swaying. "Mmaaaah," she greeted, her eyes not at all focusing on Emma.

"Damn, you are really plastered. You're going to regret this in the morning," Emma noted, holding out her hands as Regina lunged towards her with no coordination. Emma stumbled under her weight. She was warm and smelled as if she had been doused in alcohol.

"Geeze, you're going to need a shower. And some water."

"Shwer?" she questioned, leaning her heavy head on Emma's shoulder.

"Yes." Emma began to lead Regina out, staggering under her weight, Regina's legs tripping up over themselves.

"Have a safe trip home," Mulan voiced out.

"Don't think I forgot about who you truly are," Emma gritted out, narrowing her eyes at deputy Hua. "I'll deal with you later."

Mulan rolled her eyes, not even deigning a retort to that.

"We goin' whr?" Regina asked as Emma opened the passenger door to the Bug and sat Regina down, strapping her in.

"Home."

"Hme?"

"Yes."

"Hmmmm," Regina groaned out as she tried to say the word correctly, her head bobbing back and forth. Emma closed the door and got into the driver's seat, moving the Bug out.

"We're gonna make sure you feel better, okay?" Emma said gently.

Regina said nothing just slammed her head into the headrest, rolling her head back and forth while the rest of her body sat limply. She was silent for about two minutes before she spoke up.

"Up. Thfh up," Regina said suddenly as she sat up. Her hands scrabbled at the window.

"Settle down," Emma said. "You can't get out of the car."

"Thfth!" Regina groaned out, giving up on the window, and then bent over. Emma suddenly understood what was going on.

"No, not in the car!"

But it was too late. Emma's eyes widened in horror at the mess and her own gag reflex reacted violently. She only managed to stop the car before she saw what she had for dinner all over her dashboard.

Somehow, they managed to make it to Regina's mansion, Regina wobbling next to Emma as Emma grimly observed her poor car. "Now I'm going to have to burn the interior." She didn't even want to think about cleaning it up.

"s'rry," Regina stuttered out.

Emma just sighed heavily. She was sure Regina hadn't meant it, and the woman had tried to warn her too. "Okay, let's get you upstairs."

First order of business was getting Regina all washed up. And this wasn't solely because Emma wanted to make up for missing her chance at seeing Regina while she streaked (though it would be a prime opportunity). No, this was because her friend needed a nice warm bath to relax her.

The journey up was challenging, Regina almost tipping over on the stairs and falling back several times on their ascent. When they got to the bathroom, Emma sat Regina down on the toilet seat and got the water going. She made sure it was hot and that she put enough suds into it. When she was done, she waved a magical clothing removing hand over Regina's body while keeping her eyes peeled shut to give her friend some modesty. "Alright, get in Regina."

It took a while but she heard a sloshing sound and when she peeked out she saw that Regina was in the water, sighing out in comfort. Everything beyond her shoulders was thankfully covered by suds. "I'm going to go get you some pjs."

Emma left and went to fetch the change of clothing and when she came back she found Regina was gone in the minute it had taken her to do that. "Damn it, where could she have gone?" She panicked. She wasn't in the bathroom and there was no way she could have drunkenly stumbled around. She got her answer a second later when there came a gurgle from the bath. Eyes widening, Emma plunged a hand in and pulled out Regina who had slipped under the water. She coughed out water but seemed to have barely noticed she had almost drowned.

"Regina, don't do that!" Emma freaked, her heart pounding in her chest. "You nearly gave me a heart ache."

Emma propped Regina up normally only for the woman to start sliding into the bath water again. "Guess it was too much to ask you to be able to bathe yourself," Emma muttered under her breath.

Regina had no response to this, so Emma rolled up her sleeves and got down on her knees and got out the sponge to bathe Regina. "Arm," she instructed like one might to their dog for them to hand their paw. But Regina didn't register this, head lolling back and forth comically. Emma sighed and got Regina's hand out of the water. "Why do I always end up taking care of you when you get like this? Not that I mind, just, I guess I'm wondering why you got like this and after such a harrowing adventure you had last time." Last time referring to Regina ingested magical weed in a contrived plot by some gnomes to seek revenge on her. There had been binge eating, floating in the sky, near cannibalistic activities and Regina coming onto Emma several times.

Regina shrugged to this, eyes staring off at the wall in the distance. Emma lifted up Regina's other hand and paused when she saw what was there, boldly displayed across the wrist. "Is this...a tattoo?" She asked, staring in wonder and shock at the ink on Regina's arm. It said **bad bitch** in purple ink. Regina would be so pissed about this in the morning.

Regina shrugged once more, useless.

The rest of the bath went by quickly as there was no way Emma was going to wash Regina's privates or her chest. That was no no territory. Waving her hands and hoping that her magic would work on Regina (for it never worked properly on Emma) she gave Regina a bathrobe. While she was still in the bath.

The robe was now wet but at least Regina was clothed. Emma could work from there. Scooping Regina up by her armpits, Emma steadied her up. The water poured down from her robe and into the tub. Waving her hand again, Emma changed Regina into some dry clothes. A baggy t shirt top and some sports shorts. Then, holding tightly onto her, she walked her over to her bedroom. There the woman gratefully sunk onto her sheets and was out like a rock if the loud snores were anything to go by.

Emma made sure to roll the brunette onto her side so if she had to throw up again it would go on the floor. And then, Emma took off her own pants and settled herself down gingerly on the empty side of Regina's bed. Looked like she would have to take care of Regina again. Slowly she drifted off.

That morning she was woken up to the wonderful sounds of Regina moaning and groaning. "Oh god, what the fuck happened?" she managed out of a dry throat as she sat up.

There were bags under her eyes and her hair was disheveled. She looked so tired and downtrodden that all Emma wanted to do was pull her into a hug, but the slightly green look on Regina's face told her that wouldn't be a good idea.

"I see you're finally up," Emma yawned, eyeing the clock and seeing it was two in the afternoon now.

"Ugh, I feel terrible," Regina admitted, rubbing her eyes. "I still feel drunk."

"And you probably will for the rest of the day because of all you drank. Do you not know when to stop?" Emma asked as she got out of bed, pulling on her pants quickly so she could get Regina some water and Advil. No doubt Regina had a bitch of a head ache.

"I am a responsible person. I've never been this drunk before," Regina frowned, her words coming out slowly like cement drying. "Which is why this isn't normal."

This paused Emma in concern. "Do you think...magic was involved?" It had been last time Regina had a bad time.

Regina shook her head. "I'm...I can't remember what I did last night. Most of it is lost to my black out. But I do remember how it all began."

"How?"

Regina looked up at Emma and in all seriousness said, "unicorns."


	2. Chapter 2

**Sobering Up**

 **Chapter Two: Drunker**

"So, what you're telling me is that while you were at the Rabbit Hole, that a fucking unicorn served you alcoholic drinks and got you drunk?" Emma said this slowly, as if enunciating every word would somehow make this encroaching less bullshit territory than it currently was.

"No, you idiot. Unicorns are pure creatures. They would never serve to enable." Regina rolled her eyes like this was common knowledge but stopped quickly when she got dizzy, her head spinning.

"Well excuse me," Emma threw up her hands. "Up until today I thought unicorns were myths."

Regina curled up her lip in disdain. "Has living in a modern fairy-tale taught you nothing?"

Emma frowned, hands on hips. "I don't need to take this snark from you right now."

Regina set her mouth into a thin line, realizing she was perhaps being a tad too cruel. "It's the hangover. I'm not normally this cranky."

 _Right, the hangover,_ Emma rolled her eyes. Regina was always snarky.

Regina had to look away from Emma's face when the woman rolled her eyes because looking at that made her dizzy again. She rubbed her forehead to regain some composure over herself. "Unicorn horns can be used to make potent drinks. They are cut off and ground down and ingested in a beverage for a truly wild night. We just have to find who served it to me." Sighing lightly, she murmured to herself, "I knew that a drink named Unicorn Horn Hangover was suspicious. But did I listen to myself?"

"It must have been the bartender," Emma supplied.

"Yes, him. So our first order of business is finding him." Regina got out of the bed with all the grace of a ninety year old woman after hip surgery. Even her bones creaking could be heard. It sounded painful.

"Are you sure you should be going?" Emma asked in concern at looking at Regina's pale features and how sweaty she got just from getting up out of bed.

"I'm fine. I've fared worse," she explained breathlessly.

"Okayyyyy," Emma drawled, not convinced. "But if I see you struggling, than I have the right to send you home."

"Says who?"

"Says me, the law. You could recklessly endanger yourself," Emma said, no nonsense.

Regina would have rolled her eyes at that, but she couldn't without the risk of getting dizzy again so she had to settle for no comment. "I'll meet you downstairs. I need to get dressed."

"Do you want anything to eat or drink?"

Regina's stomach roiled at that suggestion and the green look on her face clued Emma in that the answer was a hard pass. "Right. I'll be downstairs. Waiting."

The sheriff paced worriedly down in the foyer, wondering if Regina was okay upstairs, if she hurt herself, or fell, or was feeling ill again. She was taking a long time. But just as Emma was about to toss aside Regina's wishes for Emma to remain downstairs, Regina came down the stairs, holding onto the banister for life. She had sunglasses on her face to hide her eye bags. And she was clutching her pea coat to her chest with one hand like she was cold.

"You good to go?" Emma skeptically asked.

"Yes," Regina said. "Let's go."

They left the house and as they did so, Emma recalled that they couldn't use her Bug. "Uh, actually, could we use your car today?"

Regina arched a questioning brow. "Why?"

"You...uh, made a mess in my car yesterday," Emma said quietly, ashamed to admit this to Regina partially because she knew how embarrassed her friend would get and she didn't want her to be.

"A mess?" What kind of mess could Regina make? She didn't remember making one.

"You, uh," at this Emma pantomimed throwing up and Regina wrinkled up her nose. "I see," she said distastefully. "I suppose we should take my car."

This was a big deal, Regina letting Emma drive her car. The blonde would make she was extra careful when driving it. They got in, Emma pulling it out of the driveway and towards the bar where Regina had spent her night drinking. The ride was short but it taxed Regina who hunched down on herself and kept a hand pressed to her lips. Emma would glance at her ever so often, wordlessly concerned.

When they went over a bump, Regina let out a soft groan. "You need to pull over," she gasped out suddenly.

"Pull over? Now?" Emma cried out in panic. "We're in the middle of an intersection! I can't!"

"Shit," was all Regina muttered out as she bent over and Emma felt a sense of deja vu again.

"No,nononononono!" she cried out as she hastily pulled the car to the side once they passed the intersection and tried to make it out of the car as well. But her gag reflex was faster than her.

"I think we might have to burn your car interior as well," Emma said dryly once they stood outside the car, looking at it forlornly.

"That is a Mercedes! Vintage!" Regina hissed out angrily at Emma as if it was the sheriff's fault this happened.

"Then I hope you have good insurance."

Regina let out an angry huff but decided there was no further point in arguing over this. She'd use her magic to clean it up later. "Come, let's just find out who did this to me," Regina pinched the bridge of her nose and they turned to go into the Rabbit Hole.

While the bar wasn't in service until five pm, it was open now, the owner setting up the place. He was sweeping the floor.

"Sheriff, mayor," he greeted when he saw them come in. He stopped his sweeping, leaning on his broom. "How can I help you?"

"I have a couple of questions I'd like to go through with your bartender. The one who served drinks last night," Emma said, hooking her fingers into her jean loops and pulling up her most professional cop speech.

The owner looked taken aback. "Why? Did he do something?"

"That's what we're trying to figure out," Emma said grimly.

The owner nodded his head as he took out his phone to call his employee. The phone rang without anyone picking up.

"Hold on," Emma said. "Is it me, or does it sound like the ringing was coming from behind that door." She pointed to the supply closet behind the bar back room. "Call again."

The owner did as instructed and Emma followed the faint ringing noise until she got to the supply closet and tore the door open. Inside she found the bartender in question, in his underwear, gagged and bound no less. When he saw her he began screaming behind the gag. She ripped it out, kneeling down next to him. "What happened? Who did this to you?"

"I...I got accosted by a couple of short men. I don't know why they did it. But they dressed up as me and went out to bartend my shift," he said slightly breathlessly.

Regina and the owner had followed after Emma to listen to the confession and the mayor began to understand something. Something unsavory.

"Gnomes," Regina hissed vehemently. "I should have known."

"Those little shits again?" Emma rubbed her brows in consternation. "I thought we got rid of all of them?"

"Apparently you missed some. I should have known better than to leave the work up to the Charming idiots."

"You were indisposed at the time, your majesty," Emma snapped back, mockingly sneering on the moniker. "I doubt you could have done a better job."

"Still better than you."

"Well," Emma twisted up her lips bitterly as she stood up. "If you don't need my help than you can just solve this next mystery by yourself." That was a bluff, Emma would never let Regina handle this alone.

"You know you wouldn't walk away now," Regina called her bluff easily and Emma rolled her eyes, upset she had gotten called out.

"Fine, let's just get this over with."

They let the owner take care of freeing his employee while they left to search for, well, who knows? Some gnome clues? Emma would let Regina lead this because she had no idea on what to do.

But as they wandered town on foot, Regina moving with all the speed of a dying snail, Emma came to realize something. "You don't actually know where to look for these gnomes, do you?"

Regina scoffed. "Of course I do. Who do you take me for?"

Emma wasn't convinced. "You know, you can just admit you don't know and ask someone for directions."

Regina's brow arched so high it was seen over the plastic of her sunglasses. "Ask for directions? From who? Whose going to know where the gnomes are?"

"Maybe we can ask Gold, or my family? They found us and the gnomes last time."

"Yes, because that worked so wonderfully."

"I really don't need your attitude right now," Emma said, disgruntled. "Maybe you should just stay home. I can search way faster without you slowing me down, anyways."

"No, last time I left you all to get rid of the gnomes, you didn't get rid of all of them. If you had, I wouldn't be this drunk."

"Are you still drunk?"

"Yes! And it doesn't seem to be going away," Regina grumbled out.

"Then you should go back to sleep. Get some rest. Honestly, I can handle this. It must have just been a fluke that the gnomes didn't all leave. Maybe they escaped or found a way to come back." Emma conveniently decided to leave out the part where she and Gold had punted gnomes into the sky and then didn't bother to look for them. That might have something to do with the reappearance of the infestation.

"No," Was Regina's stubborn answer and she sped up her pace, swaying from side to side. But that didn't last long. Regina slowed back down and slightly bent over, hand pressed to her stomach. Emma smartly plugged up her ears and looked away as Regina grabbed the flower pot that was part of the cafe décor and redecorated it with the contents of her stomach. When she was done, she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and pointed at Emma. "We are not talking about this. Ever."

Her cheeks were flushed high with embarrassment.

Emma raised her hands. "I couldn't even if you tried."

So they continued to aimlessly wander around town, the sun beginning to set as evening settled over the town.

"Whelp, this has been a productive day," Emma commented sarcastically.

"Shut up," Regina irritably snapped back.

"You don't even remember what you did last night! So I don't know why I decided to follow you." Emma stormed off in the direction of her parent's house without another word, deciding that she was finally going to take matters into her own hands.

"Emma, wait!" Regina cried out and hurried after her, easily getting out of breath in the ten minute stroll it took to get there. Emma wasn't even running, just walking quickly and it took all of Regina's coordination to keep up.

When they got to the door of the apartment, Emma knocked patiently while Regina bent over, hands on knees as she gasped for breath. She sucked in greedy gulps before she straightened up, face queasy. "Not again," she groaned out as did Emma. Emma, thinking quickly so as to prevent a mess from occurring right on Snow's doorstep, grabbed the nearest object she could find, which just so happened to be one of Snow's beloved birdhouses for her birds.

When the door opened a minute later, Snow eyed the two figures at her door with a worried gaze. Emma looked slightly green and Regina was swaying next to her, her skin a pale pallor. "What happened to you two? And where is my birdhouse?" She immediately noticed the lack of it from it's usual spot on the wall.

"You don't want to know," Emma said briskly as she stepped in, Regina following after her.

Snow decided it wasn't worth pursuing the truth on this matter. "I sense you need my help."

"We do," Emma admitted. "Regina got cursed by the gnomes again."

"They're still here?" Snow asked, confused. "I thought we got rid of all of them?" the trio moved into the dining room where David was sitting, reading a newspaper, which he quickly folded up when he saw their harried expressions. Henry wasn't here, gone to hang out at a friend's house. Thankfully this would spare him from seeing his mother a mess again.

"Apparently not, and this time they've done something to make Regina drunk, something dealing with an unicorn horn."

"That sounds terrible. That poor unicorn; what pain it must have been in after it's horn got taken," Snow fretted as they sat down at the table.

"I'm glad to see how concerned you are over me," Regina said dryly as she pulled the cork on a bottle and began to pour herself a glass.

"Regina, when did you get that bottle of wine?" Emma asked, eyeing the items in Regina's hand.

Regina startled as if she had been asleep and unaware of this. She looked at the objects in her hands in horror. "I didn't-I don't know how I got this." She quickly set them down, perturbed.

"And is that my vintage wine that you just opened?" Snow gasped out, cradling the bottle to her chest like it was her child. She eyed the now open cabinet where it had been stored before placing it back in there and locking it in. No one had noticed Regina getting it, least of all Regina herself.

Regina raised her hands in a surrender gesture. "I didn't mean to do it. It must be another effect of the unicorn horn. It's attracting alcohol to me."

Snow scrunched up her nose. "Sure sounds like a convenient excuse for your alcoholism problem."

"Mom, seriously, Regina doesn't have an alcohol problem," Emma defended, before she cast an uncertain look at Regina. "Do you?"

"Emma, I thought you had more faith in me than that," Regina said, affronted. And feeling the throb of her hangover-but-still-partially-drunk-headache increase.

"Just making sure, because you're making a cocktail right now."

Regina looked down where she had a silver mixer in one hand and a margarita glass rimmed in salt already ready as she poured the green drink. "Merlin damn it," she hissed out, finishing up the drink. David snatched the glass away. "Don't mind if I help myself to this." He took a sip. "This is really good. You know, maybe you should look into being a bartender."

Regina scoffed. "Sure, when I decide moving to Settle next is an amazing idea." Her voice was dripping with sarcasm.

"Okay, can we focus here?" Emma raised her voice to gather everyone's wits and attention. "Mom, Dad, we need you to do a search for the gnomes, see if you can find anything out about them. And in the meantime me and Regina are going to do the same."

"And that's your grand plan?" Regina was not impressed. Her head was pounding and she was hungry and thirsty but too afraid to do anything about that. She had a sneaking suspicion that everything would taste like alcohol right now.

"You have a better one? These gnomes are tricky as fuck and last time we got unlucky when we stumbled across them."

Regina sighed. She supposed there was no better course of action. She rubbed the bridge of her nose. "Fine. Let's call it a night for now and then regroup tomorrow."

"Don't worry, we'll get those gnomes back for what they did to you," David said, finishing off his margarita before pointing at Regina's hands. "You gonna finish that shot?"

Regina wasn't even shocked to find that a shot glass full of vodka had somehow found it's way into her hands. She handed it over to him.

"Where are you even getting all this alcohol from?" Snow fretted, checking her liquor cabinet.

"Instead of buying alcohol, we should just invite Regina to our parties. She'll get us free drinks," David called out as he followed Snow who went further into her kitchen to find if her secret stash was safe.

"Come, let's get you home," Emma said as she placed a warm hand on Regina's back.

"I don't need you coming back home with me. I'll be fine," she said as she almost stumbled going down the stairs.

"You aren't well, and I'm not going to let you out of my sight. These gnomes are clearly after you again and I won't let them come close to eating you or trying to roast you on their pike."

Regina would have argued, but she was too out of it. She had walked the whole day half drunk and it wasn't fun. A nice bed sounded really good right now. And so did the thought of Emma watching over and taking care of her. It was...nice to be doted on from time to time.

So she allowed Emma to take her back home, the sheriff's hand never leaving her back, a steady constant that soothed her in an otherwise uncomfortable day.


	3. Chapter 3

**Sobering Up**

 **Chapter Three: Drunkest**

 **A/N: Been a while since I updated this. Next chapter should come out sooner :)**

When Regina awoke the next morning she found herself, somehow impossibly, still drunk.

"How is this even a thing?!" she raged, throwing her pillow across the room and right at an innocent Emma who had walked in to bring Regina something to consume. She ducked as the pillow sailed over her hair and knocked down some books behind her.

"You okay?" Emma asked as she set the coffee mug down on Regina's nightstand.

"Nooooo," Regina groaned, rubbing her face. "I'm still drunk."

"Still?" Emma's eyes bugged out. "Something's not right here."

"Really? You don't say?" Regina said sarcastically as she clumsily got out of bed. She was entirely over alcohol and being drunk and just wanted to sober up already. Was that too much to ask? Yet, she knew the unicorn horn was potent- there was no telling for how long she would feel like this until she counteracted the magic of the item. Or happened across the unicorn itself and had it revert it's magic for her, because there was definitely no way she could focus enough today on brewing a potion without it killing her. And there was no way she could count on Emma to brew it either.

So the only option, just like yesterday, was to hunt down the gnomes because that was where the unicorn would be.

"Come we must get a move on," Regina said as she stiffly pulled on her clothes over her pjs, not even bothering to get properly dressed. She raked her hands through her hair, hoping that would keep them from frizzing and popped on her trusty sunglasses to keep the sun away. She knew she looked like a mess and felt like a mess, but honestly, Regina couldn't care less about appearances right now. She just wanted this terrible feeling to go away. Her vision wasn't sharp. Her head hurt, as did her stomach, and her whole body felt slow and lethargic.

She was never going to take sober Regina for granted ever again.

"Shouldn't you eat something? Or drink? You haven't had anything in your system yet and I'm getting worried." Emma offered Regina the steaming mug of coffee. Regina hesitated before taking it. She knew she should eat or drink something but the thought of it made her stomach roll. Still, she tried, taking a very small sip. Her stomach clearly wasn't happy about that.

"Ugh, I'm going to be sick" she announced for what felt like the umpteenth time as she shoved the mug back into Emma's hands and raced for the bathroom.

"I know my cooking's not that great but you don't need to be this rude about it!" Emma called after her before taking a sip of the coffee herself. Her nose wrinkled up. "Geeze, this is bad. How the fuck did I mess up coffee?" She hurried to pour it out.

The morning found them walking the streets because neither of them had a car and neither of them wanted to use magic to teleport given Regina's inebriated state. This time Regina proved to be somewhat more helpful.

"Is-is that my clutch?" she hiccuped slightly as she wobbled towards it. It was wedged in between the slants of a wooden bench in the park. How did that get here? She pulled it free and was immediately assailed by images. Images of two nights ago. Of her going to the bar, of having two drinks before being offered that accursed drink by those gnomes in magical disguise as that bartender. And then her stumbling from the stool and trying to make her way back home.

She blinks rapidly as the images clear from her head. Emma notices Regina's slightly shocked look. "Is everything okay? What's wrong?"

"I-I think," as this Regina licks her lips. "I think that I just remembered something from last night."

"You did?" Emma's brows arch upwards.

"Yes..." Regina trails off, let's sluggish fingers trace over the leather. "And I think it had something to do with this clutch."

"Is it imbued with your memories or something?" Emma suggests and she might not be wrong.

"Perhaps. I can certainly sense magic on it, magic that is not mine. I'm assuming it is the gnomes. They must have linked my memories to it, but why? What purpose would it serve? Can I even trust these memories?"

"Only one way to find out, right? You think anything else of yours is enchanted like that? You did streak around town so maybe collecting the rest of those objects will help jog your memory or something."

Regina flushes at this. "I streaked?"

"Yes, around town. While pronouncing that you would burn it all down."

"Merlin," Regina groans out and stiffens her shoulders as she turns her face from Emma's searching gaze. That was a new low for her. She almost preferred being high to this constant drunkenness. At least when she had been high her clothes had stayed put. She was horrified. What if Henry had seen her? She could have scarred him for life. Suddenly it became imperative to find the rest of her memories. There was no way she could ascertain for certain that they hadn't been tempered with, but she was fairly assured in the fact that gnomes did not have the delicacy to fix memories. Steal them, delete them, yes, but altering memories was an intense and patience testing task that was out of their magical repertoire.

"We need to find the rest of my things so I can recall what happened. Maybe there's a clue in there somewhere to help locate the gnomes."

"Or we could have Gold do a fancy scan of the town like he did last time and tell us where the gnomes are."

"No, it won't work this time. There's not enough of them to produce a viable magical signature," Regina countered impatiently. "Let's focus on finding my clothes for now."

"I don't think we'll have to look far," Emma pointed across the street to where a drunken Leroy was walking with something on his head that did not belong there.

"Is that my bra?" Regina sputtered, indignant and mortified.

"Nice taste," Emma commented, mouth slightly watering at the black lace and purple accents on it. She was wondering if she could hold onto it for Regina. For safe keeping, of course. No other reasons. Not at all.

Regina ignored that comment and stormed over to Leroy, minutely imbalanced in her heels. Trust the mayor to wear heels even when drunk.

"Leroy, take that damned thing off your head!" Regina thundered, and Leroy, seeing a pissed off former evil queen coming straight for him, booked it. Or at least he would have had he not been drunk. Emma watched with mild amusement as two very drunk people ran. Leroy slammed right into a trashcan and fell over and Regina tumbled over him. There was a brief struggle as Regina ripped the bra off of his head and then rolled off of him before waving her hand imperiously through the air so Emma could help her up. Leroy took this time to run off. "I swear I didn't steal those from nobody, Sheriff!" he explained not that Emma cared much. She was just glad the bra was back as so were Regina's memories.

Except this time the mayor was beet red in the face and she slapped away Emma's hands from her before striding off.

"What? What happened in those memories?" Emma asked not that she would get an answer. How could Regina possibly explain to Emma why she had broken into a store and did a strip tease while thinking of her in the dressing room before she accidentally set off the alarm and had run out of there like a bat from hell. She couldn't. It was mortifying.

Emma shook her head. Whatever had been there had been too embarrassing for Regina to say. It made Emma wonder all the more what was there but she didn't push out of respect for her friend.

With each new item, new memories were revealed and lead Regina to new clues about where her other clothes could be. They steadily found her dress, her heels, and all that remained was her underwear. Which they were hunting for right now, combing through bushes.

Emma found it first. It was a delicate thing and matched Regina's bra. Emma wondered, would she see any memories if she touched it? And oh, okay, also she wanted to touch Regina's underwear. It would be as close as she could get to her. Discreetly she slipped it into her pocket and was focusing on drawing something up when a cough behind her made her spin around.

"Hand it over, Swan," Regina stuck out her hand.

"Hand what over?" Emma asked innocently while her face flushed.

Regina was not amused. "The underwear, _my_ underwear, that you just took."

"Me?" Emma blustered. "Why would I take your underwear?"

"Because you are a pervert?" Regina suggested. "I don't know. What other reason would there be for you taking my belongings."

"Regina, I really wouldn't-"

Regina's hand snaked out and took the underwear right from Emma's pocket. She arched a brow as the thin scrap of material hung off her finger.

"How did that get there?" Emma said shakily, sure that Regina would incinerate her on the spot for this. God, this was mortifying.

"If you want to get into my panties, Miss Swan," Regina said thickly, voice low and leaning in, "there are far better ways to do so."

Holy shit- did Regina just insinuate that-?

Emma stared open mouthed at Regina's back as the women strode off.

Well, damn.

Emma hurried after Regina, whose eyes fluttered open after she finished absorbing the last of the memories. "I think I know where we can find the unicorn."

"You do? That's great! Where is it?"

"During my drunken stroll through the woods, I saw him somewhere not far from here. Of course, I was too drunk at the time to go up to it and to stop the power of it's horn. But now, I'm more sober."

"Can it hurt us? Will we have to fight it?" Emma asked, ready to use magic to protect her friend.

Regina shook her head. "Unicorns are gentle by nature. But the gnomes might be around so we have to be careful."

With that in mind, both women strode off, careful and quiet. Or at least how quiet Regina could be when she wobbled drunkenly every few steps or so. They got a clearing and in the middle of it, they saw the unicorn. Emma's eyes popped open. It looked so magical, even without it's horn. It's coat was white with a rainbow sheen over it and it's mane and tail blew despite there being no breeze. But it looked sad, captured in shackles that were dark and covered in sharp spikes.

It lifted it's head when it sensed them. Emma approached it, hands out. "Easy there. We're here to free you," she spoke slowly like one might to a frightened animal.

"About time," snorted the unicorn, tossing it's head back. "Those gnomes are awfully annoying."

Emma's jaw dropped open. "You can talk?"

"Of course he can," Regina hissed as if this should be clear and Emma was embarrassing her with not knowing this. "He's a magical animal."

"Right, my bad," Emma rolled her eyes. "I must have forgot that passage while reading the book of 'Fantastical Fuckups'. Oh, wait, I didn't read such a book because no one bothered to give me a hint on what type of world I stumbled into-"

Regina cut her off with a sharp wave of her hand.

"Unicorn, tell me how I can get rid of this drunkenness. The gnomes fed me your magical horn and now I cannot regain my sober state."

"And I'm afraid you won't. You'll be drunk for all eternity, or until the end of your life," he said casually. Even his voice was deep and mystical. "However," he continued before dread could fill them. "There is one way to reverse this."

"True love's kiss?" Emma suggested because that seemed to be the solution for any problem here in Storybrooke. Got a cold? True love's kiss. Fell off a ladder? True love's kiss? Got a paper cut? True love's kiss.

"No," he shook his head, mane flapping around. "You need to have super special magical lovey dovey time."

Regina turned red at that before groaning and rubbing her face with her hands. "Are you serious?"

"Yes. There is no other way for this. I'm sorry." And he did look sorry.

"Uh, what is he talking about?" Emma asked, not certain as to what was going on right now.

Regina turned to face Emma, though reluctantly, and met her eyes as she said this. "We need to sleep with each other."

Emma could feel the tips of her ears burning. Surely there was no way this was a real suggestion. "Like...like take a nap?"

"Don't be dense. As in have sex," Regina stated.


	4. Chapter 4

**Sobering Up**

 **Chapter Four: Black Out**

"Um, but why sex?" Emma said, with a hint of a whine. Not that she wouldn't mind having sex with Regina. Regina was hot, and amazing, and Emma had for sure dreamt and fantasized more times than was healthy what the mayor would be like in bed. But not like this. She didn't want it to happen like this, because of some stupid unicorn spell and with Regina drunk. She had wanted it to be special. With roses and candles. And a nice warm meal before.

"Because with strenuous activity the drink will come out through the skin and through orgasms," explained the unicorn. "And there's no need to be shy. It's not like I haven't seen the human body before. I'll even put on some nice music for you." As he said this, a record player came into existence and began to play Kenny G songs.

Uh, nope. No way was Emma doing this with a peeping unicorn watching them.

"Regina, there has to be another way," Emma turned to the brunette who was already stripping out of her clothes.

"Just shut up and fuck me," she growled out as she tossed her shirt to the grass. Now she was only in her bra and underwear.

Emma felt a bolt of arousal race through her uncontrollably like a speeding car gone crazy, skidding on ice. "You sure?"

"Yes. I just want to be done with this drunkenness already. So, make yourself useful and fuck me good enough that I turn sober."

Well, it wasn't every day you heard that. Though Emma couldn't help but feel a bit saddened by this situation. Regina was going into this without any feelings, while Emma had a lot for her friend. And she didn't want to squander them on something like this. But then again, would she ever get another chance like this?

She began to undress and soon she too was down to her underwear like Regina. They stood awkwardly in front of each other like teens who were going to have sex of the first time, as sexy saxophone blared through the woods. "Get a move on, will you?" the unicorn booed and Emma found him snacking on some magicked up popcorn like he was watching a movie.

"If you can use magic, couldn't you just break free yourself?" she asked him, wanting him to go away.

"But if I escaped, than who would be here to guide you to saving Regina?" he queried and made a get on with it motion with his hoof. Emma really didn't like this. She rolled her eyes at him.

"Regina, before we start this-"

But Regina cut her off by taking a step forward and kissing her hard enough to quiet her down. "We don't have to enjoy this. This is just a friend helping out a friend."

"Uh, right," Emma said, nodding her head uncertainly.

Regina took the lead again and kissed Emma once more. This time Emma allowed her mind to drift away from the staring unicorn and let Regina push her down into the bushes which partially hid them from view. Hands and mouths explored hot flesh, pliant to the touch. Both were nervous but as they let their bodies explore, they slowly got more and more into it. Emma tried to not think too deeply on this moment, just let her body act naturally. Her hands wandered down to the apex of Regina's thighs and found the spot wet and hot.

Was Regina aroused because of her? Was it possible she was enjoying this? Emma wanted to ask about this. Ask if Regina had feelings for her. Regina must have seen the questions brewing on Emma's face as a finger teased inside her, making her hips buck, because she spoke up.

"I'm not enjoying this," Regina hissed out in reminder through gritted teeth. "It's only because I'm drunk that my body is reacting like this." And then she began to gyrate her hips as two more fingers slipped inside her, coaxing a quick climax from her that even surprised her.

Emma's eyes were wide open in wonder at the flood of stickiness coating her fingers. "Do you feel better?" she asked softly as Regina looked down at her. The blonde looked like a forest nymph right now to Regina, her blonde tresses and naked body spread out among grass and yellow flowers. She wanted to lean down and kiss her again, ride her hand to orgasm once more. Regina shook herself to reality. "I think...I think it's working." Her headache had melted away and she felt clearer than she had in days. But she wanted to be certain it was all gone.

"But I think I need a little more," she said, rolling her hips into Emma's and making the blonde moan out.

Emma wordlessly complied and brought Regina to orgasm two more times, until the brunette was laying on the grass along with her, both of them panting and drained. But Emma still wanted to question all this. Wanted to find out how Regina felt about all this. The woman had enjoyed herself immensely and the way she had called out Emma's name as she came had to mean more than friends, right?

"Regina, what did this mean?" Emma asked.

Once more, Regina cut her off. This time with a sordid kiss. "Let me repay the favor," she said, moving Emma so she was on top now. Emma had made her feel good so many times, the least she could do was repay her.

"And I'm not allowed to enjoy it, am I?" Emma grinned cheekily as she leaned down to brush a kiss to Regina's lips. She knew this was classic avoidance, but hell, she wasn't going to pass up free sex. Not when it was so good with Regina.

"No," was the exhaled answer before they began anew.

The unicorn was still there by the time dusk had fallen and Regina and Emma hurriedly tugged on their clothes, finally done. Somehow it's horn had grown back and Emma shuddered it think why or how. All she knew was that by the unicorn watching them, it had grown back.

"I shall take my leave, now that my horn has been returned. And I do wish you luck with catching the rest of the gnomes. If you must know, there are only ten of them left and they're all camping out behind the toll bridge," he said before slicing his horn through the air and opening a portal to another dimension before it swallowed him up and he was gone.

"So, uh, we go get the gnomes?" Emma suggested.

An evil grin spread over Regina's face. She was sober now. And she loved the feel of it. A fire ball blazed to life in her hand.

"Oh _yes_. We're going to kill those little monsters," she said and she meant it.

* * *

One gnome hunting missions later and all of them were eradicated. Emma had to cover her eyes at certain moments when Regina was revenging herself on the gnomes. It was kinda scary. But the gnomes deserved it. You don't mess with the Evil Queen and not expect her to mess with you back.

And afterwards, they all got ice cream sundaes at Granny's, Regina quickly eating hers. She even ordered seconds. That wasn't like the queen at all.

"Someone's hungry," Emma commented, even handing over her portions to Regina too when she saw the Queen eyeing them.

"You would be too if you couldn't eat for days. Plus, killing makes me hungry," she said, licking her cone.

Right. Good to know for next time they had to murder some gnomes. Emma walked Regina back to her mansion later on, because she was worried that harm might still come to her friend? lover? even if the gnomes were reduced to ash.

Emma knew there would be no point in asking Regina about that magical moment in the woods. Not until the woman was ready to answer the repercussions.

Emma lingered on the doorstep as Regina walked up, her ass swaying a bit more than usual with each step up.

Emma scuffed the floor with the toe of her shoe. "Uh, good night?" she questioned, wanting to give a good night kiss but uncertain if she should. What even were they now? Perhaps she should wait a day, give Regina some time to relax from being drunk three days in a row.

"Good night, Em-ma," Regina said in that way that Emma's insides curl in pleasure. It was exactly how she called Emma's name out when she'd cum. And then she closed the door on Emma, finally home and not drunk for once.

What she needed was a nice shower. She had worked up a sweat in the woods with Emma. Thinking about it made her feel confused and uncertain and she didn't want to think about her feelings for Emma or what they could mean. She stripped out of her clothes and went upstairs to shower, relishing the cool water down her skin. As she scrubbed she noticed she had a mark on her arm. A purple mark. She rinsed the suds away and her eyes grew wide as she saw what the tattoo said. **Bad Bitch**

"Who gave this to me?!" she howled out, unaware she had been the one to do so.


End file.
